“What a quaint little country cottage… for me to poop on!” – The Dog.

You should have seen this place before they tidied up for the picture.

It’s good to have options, but this is ridiculous.

Hold on, guys. I can’t be certain, but I think this might be Photoshopped.

This place has everything I like in a bathroom: Tons of space for activities! Plus, of course, sexy (and odor-absorbing), mildewed carpeting (!!) from the 1970s.

Oh yeah, that’s not creepy at all. No sir. Perfectly not creepy in any way. (Psst! RUN! Before the dolls see you!)

The garden could use a little TLC.

Rumor has it that this house is haunted, but we’ve never seen any evidence of a ghost.

Flood insurance? We don’t need no stinkin’ flood insurance!

Don’t let this homeowner’s love of scary masks put you off. I’m sure there’s no accompanying murder room anywhere on the property.

There’s something about this Rorschach test of a room that is making me feel a bit… claustrophobic.

Crappy taxidermy not included in sale price.

I said he lived LIKE a pig, not with one.

This room just needs some throw rugs and colorful throw pillows to pull the look together. And maybe an air freshener (or ten).

Do not adjust your eyeglasses. You’ve simply wandered into an alternate dimension. No big deal.

Break in? What break in?

“Fresh paint throughout!”